Big Strong Kindergartener, Big Wimpy Mom

Emma went to Kindergarten this morning. She did terrific. No crying. No hanging on our legs. Nothing. Just a confident girl who was excited about her new adventure. I saw a glimpse of it last Friday when we went to "Meet the Teacher". We were walking to the kindergarten area and she was walking at a quick pace a couple of feet in front of me. She was walking like she was at Disneyland on a hunt for something exciting to do. When we actually met the teacher, she was shy and barely talked. Today was the same. She was shy giving Mrs. Piccininni the apple we brought and stuff, but otherwise, she acted like she knew exactly what to expect. She played hopscotch, frontwards and backwards; she made up a game on this circle with colors and shapes in it. She owned the place. It made me proud and sad. Look how big she is. Look how sure of herself she is. When it was time to line up, she stood in line with her backpack all by herself. Other kids were crying and looking around for their moms and dads. She just stood and looked around at the other kids waiting to go inside. She was the third kid in line and walked into the room, put her backpack at the blue table and sat on the carpet as instructed. She didn't hesitate. I watched her as the teacher read us all a book. She was calm. She didn't look nervous. She wasn't scared or sad- which was what I was expecting. As I watched her, I started getting tears in my eyes. She was exactly the way I would have wanted her to be. It is scary and exciting to see kids being the best version of themselves. The version of their inner person. She is actually confident, self assured, and excited to grow. Watching her be stronger than I was made me cry. Of course, I didn't want her to know I was crying, so I kept holding it in and trying not to let it show. Inside, I falling apart and bawling. But not Emma. She is stronger than I am- which is a good thing and I hope she holds on to it. So, I'll quit repeating myself and let you go-as easily as Emma let us walk out without her this morning.

A Big Lie & True Baby News

The biggest lie in our house is, "I'm going to bed now." The second biggest lie is," tonight I'm going to bed early." On the lying spectrum I would say that those are harmless little lies. The reason they turn into lies is so wonderful. When the person says that they're going to bed, they really mean that they are tired, but they honestly don't want to go to bed. They don't want to miss a single second of "hanging out when the kids are asleep" time. It is precious time that we all share-in the room in our house with the fewest chairs and the darkest walls-save the Star Wars room. I think it is great that we all deprive ourselves of sleep to be together, pretty much every night. We'll probably age alot in the next five years though.

The baby is beginning to show him or herself. I saw my profile in the mirror today and was amazed. I usually have a big stomach- pregnant or not-but yesterday it seemed the same as before I got pregnant. Today, however, I thought I looked pregnant. I also definitely felt the baby move tonight. I've been feeling it for about 2 weeks, but not really anything I felt 100% sure about. S/he is running out of room. It is all exciting (and I am very happy for my friends who shall remain nameless until they announce it themselves.) We still don't have a girl name, but Emma has suggested Galaxy and Bubbles. At least she is thinking about it. Doug and I rarely discuss this poor baby's name-if she is a girl. Let us know if you have any suggestions.

Well.... I'm going to bed now.

Sieze the Day

I wanted to blog 2 days ago, but I'm do dumb on computers I couldn't. I won't embarass myself, but I'm dumb. So before I officially begin this blog, I just wanted to say that Second Sunday this week was my favorite one. If you weren't there, I'm sorry. We ate pizza picnic style outside and the kids could run around and play. Then they had a worship session inside the chapel that felt very informal and I liked it. On to the official blog.

Yesterday was my "Day Off". Debbie, Kelly and I are each taking a day off this week. The official guidelines are that you can't take your kids with you and you have to leave the house from nine am to five pm. I didn't do anything fancy, but I did things that people without kids take for granted. I listened to the music I wanted to in the car- no "Oh Suzanna" all day! I went shopping for most of the day and I did NOT get a cart at any of the stores. It is nice to walk through aisles without waiting for people to move, so you can push the cart. I browsed the racks of clothes at a very leisurely pace. It was a nice day.

Jennifer Palmer died yesterday. I did not know her or her family. I just started reading Mark's blog as a link from Joe's blog. Kelly has been reading Mark's for a long time and we prayed for her at house church when she was first diagnosed. So, last night I read Mark's blog and bawled. I cried for close to half an hour. He said he was going to bed alone and it was scary. Reality started sinking in. Death is such a mystery. It doesn't make sense. We don't fully understand it. His blog made me think of something Doug's grandmother said to me once. Doug and I were visiting for Thanksgiving. We were just standing and holding hands in the living room. She said that one of the things she missed most about her husband was being able to hold his hand. She thought it was silly to miss such a simple thing about him. I think about that conversation often. It is very comforting to hold somebody's hand. It is familiar. It is a simple physical connection that you can do in public. It makes people uncomfortable to hold a stranger's hand for those reasons. So, having someone to go to bed with and hold hands with- these are things that death reminds of us. What would I miss most, if Doug were gone? What would I miss most about my kids? I need to find out and cherish those things everyday that I have, how ever long it is. What would you miss?

What Have I Been Doing?

That's more a question than a title. I feel like I've been so busy, but I'm not accomplishing the things I need to. That is such a terrible feeling! So, to answer it as a question, this week I have: watched my niece, Alex, everyday; done laundry; taken the kids to the orchard; taken the kids swimming- and lunch- at Susan Nyberg's house; paid the bills and balanced the checkbook; gone to a meeting at the Apex Office- I'm trying to work on having more mercy per my last blog; eaten dinner with Doug's family, where Carter amputated a lizard's leg as he caught it; attended an awesome parenting class before the Gathering on Sunday- it was great, if you signed up, but couldn't make it you should still come. I think it's going to be really good. The question is: Why do those things take up so much time? Why haven't I read a book, seen a movie, taken Emma shopping for new clothes, or gone a date with my husband? Those things seem like more fun and more meaningful. I've been getting about 8-10 hours of sleep a night, maybe I should stay up later.
I keep waiting for one of the modest Saga people to blog about their cool experience on Wednesday, but they're not. SO...... Wednesday, Channel 3 news did a short broadcast about FiveDollarFunny on their noon broadcast. Debbie and I watched from home and we were almost as excited as the kids- who thought it was AMAZING to see people they actually know on TV. It went well, I thought. If you have any connections to the media, call Meghann Peterson. If you haven't bought a ticket yet, you should they are $6 in advance and $8 at the show (if we have any tickets left then).
I guess I'm going to go see if I can actually accomplish something worthwhile today.

I Can't Sleep

It's whatever time and I can't sleep. I can hear kids crying from my family room and they aren't mine. Somebody else in my house would love to be awake by choice instead of consoling their upset, possibly sick, child. I simply can't sleep because I can't stop thinking. I need to get some of this out of my head so maybe I can sleep.
I'm not even sure why this is keeping me awake. It's not new. I've always gotten over it before. Right now, I just can't let it go. I can't get over it and I am so mad about it that I want to scream at somebody-them. Why don't they just get it?

What is "it"? Christian Consumers. What the hell do they want? Why do they want what they want? Am I the one who doesn't get it? All they do is complain because "somebody" should start something or do something. The somebody is definately NOT them. They shouldn't DO anything, but complain and state what they think somebody else should do to help them "grow". It is so ironic. The things that have helped me "grow" the most are the things that I have done (usually to serve others or at least God), but they have NOT been when I am sitting in a row half listening, half thinking about where I'm going to eat or what I need to finish at home before tomorrow.
It's kind of like Wal*mart versus Target. We have a Target Greatland by our house. Nobody is ever there. It's clean. It's pretty. Their merchandise is reliably good. You can hear your children talk to you (and your husband announcing hemroid cream). The lines are short. Your cart fits in every row. We also have a SuperWalmart (complete with McDondalds) near our house. You can never fit through the isles, somebody is always in your way, the store is dirty, there is crap blocking all the isles (I think I'm spelling isles wrong- it starts with an "a" right?-it's late, give me a break). Why do people go there? Why? Because it's a couple of cents cheaper. Because it's "One Stop Shopping". Because you can leave there feeling like they did you a favor. Did they do you a favor? Did they? The produce rots rather quickly, I've found. I am usually frazzled when I walk out the door. But my kids get a sticker when they leave. They can eat french fries while we shop. AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Kids is my problem. They are my ministry. They are ministry. They are church. They get it (most of the time). They can see right through fake almost 100% of the time, which is why they scare adults, because adults know that you can't fake kids out- they see right through you. Anyway, back to my sort of point. Kids is my problem. People don't want to deal with these real kids. The TRUE future of the church. The TRUE future of Christianity. They want to drop their kids off (and they want everybody else to do the same), have somebody else watch them, teach them, show them how to be better Christians than the parents feel they were taught to be. Then they want to pick their kids up and have their kids be all excited about some pre-fab craft project that the "Sunday School Teacher" made herself. (A little opinionated I know, but it's my blog.) AAAGGGHHH! Why aren't we as the church, requiring people to raise their kids to be church. Why aren't we as the church demanding that people take responsibility for their ideals? Everytime we hear someone say," Somebody should......" at church, we should expect that the speaker is the person to do it. If "somebody" should according to you- then why the hell don't you do it? You are the person that thinks it's so important. If it's not important enough for you to do, then keep your big mouth SHUT and don't go around telling other members of the church what "somebody" should do either- because somebody is you. If your church sucks, if nobody is reading, or worshipping, or praying.... why aren't you? If you want "something more for you kids" (that's the phrase that sparked this whole blog) then, get off your butt and do something more for your kids. You have them seven day a week (at least a couple of days, if you share custody). You have so many opportunities to teach them, and share Jesus with them. Why do want to drop them off for an hour and a half to somebody else and expect that this perfect stranger, that is willing to sacrifice 12 weeks of "getting served in the big service" to supplement the Spirtual training that you are giving them at home, should take care of all your child's spiritual needs. (You did get that a church service is only a supplement to the daily involvement your child should be getting with the Living God with you- the parent, right?) If we expect that we can "One Stop Shop" on Sunday morning or evening, we shouldn't be surprised when our kids have sticker and we have a headache. You get what you pay for. When you serve, there's a greater price. However, the end result, the overall trip is more pleasant and has a higher return.


Be careful saying "Somebody should..." around me. In my mind, I'll be pointing my finger at you. When you say, "Oh, no, not me... somebody else, somebody qualified...." I'll be thinking, " Wal mart shopper. Stop complaining. If you aren't willing to do anything for yourself and your family, then what do you expect? You're never going to "grow" any bigger and your kids are learning to be Wal mart Shopper Christians too, who don't read but like to say "somebody". You can change churches all you want, but you will always find problems. There will always be something that "somebody" should do-it's you." It really is you.
What am I going to do? I'm worn out from being other people's "somebody" only to hear them complaining. What are we-the church-going to do? I'm not sure, but "somebody" should do something.

I was feeling all bad about not blogging in a while, but then when I was checking other people's blogs, guess who's still says, " I've seen fire, I've seen rain"? I'm not even checking his any more. (I'm sure I messed up the quote, but I'm not sure how since it's all I've been able to read for nearly a month.)
We've been very busy around here. Painting and stuff. Our house is really coming together, thanks, mostly to Kelly, who still seems to have all of her regular stuff done too. I wish I were like that. I am SO NOT. I started a few painting projects and I am very far behind on my regular stuff, like cleaning the bathroom. I guess that's what house warming parties are for: to make you catch up.
I need to go make cookies for house church, maybe I'll have time to clean the bathroom too before house church.